Friday, January 30, 2015

The Now In My Heart

I've gotten to the point where I can barely pray or read scripture. I'm not mad at God for what's happening to my mother now. I don't feel scared, but I don't really feel protected by God either. I'm alone, but I don't really feel alone. I just "am". People's prayers are welcome & kind, but none of them seem to pierce the reality of  the "now". And I think that's ok... I think. Perhaps God is so big in the "now" that it would be impossible to see Him anyway. Maybe this experience is like walking up to a giant pixelated screen, where all you see are little squares made of colour & light. They all interact & fit together somehow & as one moves away from the screen, the picture, the story, emerges. Right now, maybe God is too close to see.... but as I step back, I will see more. I feel neither comfort nor anxiety from the thought. The extemporaneous is being stripped away. Reality, it seems, is no longer comprised of the world around me, but the "now" within my heart... tiny pixels of colour & light.

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