Monday, August 6, 2012

Freak

I drove through downtown after work one Friday & all the clubs & bars were buzzing. People lined the streets & crisscrossed in front of traffic without a care. The short, sparkly evening wear of some of the women reminded me of what prostitutes wore back in the 80's. But I had to remind myself that this was just average clubbing attire for this day & age. The guys wore tight pants & t-shirts, their hair slicked into faux-hawks or some other mess. Everyone was laughing & happy to be alive. I don't get out much in the evenings... I've worked nights for almost a decade now. On the weekends, I prefer to be home or with a small group of people. I've never gone clubbing, never owned a party dress, never smoked a joint or come home drunk off my rocker. I've never been on the arm of a man for a swanky night out on the town. That isn't my idea of a good time anyway. And I guess this kind of makes me a freak.

I've spent most of my life wanting to fit in. Sometimes I actually made the effort. But I was always met with a disappointing sense of failure. Why couldn't I be like everyone else? I have all my limbs & faculties. I'm not a female Quasimodo. But there must be something within me, like oil & water or the opposing poles of magnets that won't allow me to fully embrace the world, or the world to fully embrace me. And I'm starting to be ok with that. Jesus calls His disciples out of the world. “In it, not of it” as the scripture goes, and boy, do I feel it sometimes...

I'm a freak because I don't often choose to insert profanity into my vocabulary. I don't have cable & I barely turn on my tv except to watch the odd DVD... I don't get out to the movie theater much & I despise shopping. If I've ever been to a bar, its because of the restaurant attached. I choose to do my drinking at home, but never to get drunk. I don't smoke & I've never done drugs. The idea of dancing horrifies me- not because of my religious background- but because these days it just seems kind of dumb & self serving... Unless its traditional &/or professional. I rarely go to concerts- while I love live music, multitudes of people screaming & getting drunk kind of wears on me. But I do enjoy a quarterly evening off work or a spontaneous road trip to hear a favorite artist/band.

My idea of fun isn't dressing up to the nines, but dressing down to the essentials. Give me a comfortable pair of shoes, some worn in jeans & a t-shirt & I'm good to go. Let's take a walk to a park, explore a nature preserve or go for a drive out to the country. Lets go camping for a week without running water! Museums are great, but I really can't stand being inside all day. How about a road trip? I'm one of those people who actually enjoys living out of a backpack. I don't need a separate carry-on to haul my beauty supplies (b/c my carry on is filled with paper & books instead). I'm not into “e-reader" technology... I prefer the real deal I can hold in my hands. I like the smell of ink & age, the feel of cracked spines & tattered edges. Writing is my chosen voice. Paper is like oxygen. I can take my time & breathe deep. I like silence as much as I like distraction & I crave being alone a little more than I desire to share other people's company (but a handful of friends are always welcome in well-planned moderation). On the spiritual side, I actually look forward to going to Mass. I pray in some capacity every day. I fast from meat on Fridays even though its seen as archaic. I still read my Bible, consider the roots of tradition & struggle to live out my faith daily. I'm not your typical female. I'm probably not even your typical human. But then, is anybody? In the eyes of the “world”, I know I'm a freak. Nice to meet you.


1 comment:

  1. I like this post, you big freak. Sounds like we could be sisters.

    Oh wait - we are. Love you sis. :)

    ReplyDelete