Today when I approached the Eucharist, I actually forgot how to hold my hands out & got flustered. I don't know what happened... I was so nervous. I said "Amen" & then "Sorry!" to the Eucharistic minister who reassured me I was ok. I took the host from her hand, partook of the wine & walked back to my seat, feeling embarrassed & guilty. Was I irreverent? Who forgets how to partake of the Eucharist?! I felt horrible. But as I was praying, I felt love come over me like a wave. I couldn't hold back my tears.
I also couldn't stop thinking about it after Mass. What kind of Catholic am I? I was tired of beating myself up & finally asked Jesus to give me His perspective on the day. Instantly, my guilt was gone. I had the impression He was excited I was even there. Why had I ventured to go to Mass? To fulfill my obligation? To see people? To go through some motions? No... I went to Mass to hear the Word & partake of the Eucharist- the Real Presence of Jesus- because I craved It... because It changes me.
He reminded me the crux of the matter is the state of my heart- motive over protocol. He reminded me that sometimes people in love do crazy things... sometimes they forget themselves or the people around them. Nothing else matters but the object of their affection. My first thought was You actually think I love You?! But what about reverence? What about protocol? Surely I had done it all wrong. How could that be love? Yet there's no one condemning me but me... Love, it seems, trumps protocol.