Winter term has finally ended & spring break is here. I still have to work, attend to daily pursuits & prepare for the new term, which begins on April 2nd. I will be confirmed just 6 days later. Today, it all feels so far away & part of me honestly never wants any of it to come to pass.
I feel aimless in school- like I'm just spinning my wheels. Nothing I've experienced so far really "floats my boat". Community college doesn't offer the things I want to pursue in life. I'm not even sure its a valid means to an end at this point. I incur debt, stress, sleepless nights & a little bit of knowledge. For what? Will my light & momentary troubles reap me a reward if I don't grow weary?
As for confirmation, I know it doesn't mean my journey is over... but it does mean I'm fully accountable. It means I submit myself to the authority of the church which says I must attend Mass every Sunday. There are exceptions of course, for sickness & other inconveniences, but to "miss" Mass otherwise is mortal. The church says mortal sin- even just one- can send me to hell. It must be confessed before partaking of the Eucharist. That seems kind of harsh... it certainly doesn't sound like the personality of Jesus to be all judgmental like that. But then we ARE supposed to discern the Body & Blood of Christ before we partake. Even Protestants are told to examine their consciences & seek forgiveness before partaking, lest they exact judgement on themselves. But is that really my problem? Is it perhaps the idea that I'm making a profession of commitment to something greater than myself- even to a more "tangible" faith? In comparison, my Protestant faith never felt "tangible". I was like a ship stuck on a sand bar, waiting for a tide that never came. As I approach Catholicism, I feel as though that wave has come & continues to drive me out to sea. My journey has become tangible, real, exhilarating. Every time I begin to doubt, I remember how my life has changed since the beginning of this journey. I can't say the same about school necessarily, but Catholicism... there's just something about it I can't walk away from, even as I look out on a deceptively empty horizon.