Some days I doubt. I don't know whether to chalk it up to being sick or as an answer to prayer. When I'm sick, not much matters in the moment but comfort & sleep. Yesterday was my worst day physically, even spiritually. It seemed that even God didn't matter. Today, I feel like I'm watching my spiritual journey from the back seat of a movie theater- that's me up there, but I don't have quite the conviction I did when I was making that movie.
I've been praying for direction since beginning this journey & I tried to think of the reasons why I abandoned it back in 2005. My reasons included fear, the inability to grasp the Catholic view of salvation, Mary's many laurels & the functions of an intercessory afterlife, among other things. Some of these have been resolved, while others remain strangely elusive. In favor of Catholicism, I think "That all these people can't be so gullible as to follow something blindly, so there must be something to it...", but then, I've heard that if sheep don't recognize the shepherd's voice, they won't follow. Do Catholics follow another shepherd altogether? Do I know my Master's voice? Am I afraid & doubting because I do? Or can I just chalk it up to a few days of momentary sickness? Why would God let me get this far (12 weeks till the big day) & only now throw a wrench in the works? Experience tells me this is indeed only momentary... but I also can't ignore the presence of fear & doubt outside my door.