Monday, August 8, 2011

Lost In the Struggle

I find that I often attempt to solve math problems backwards. If I've been given a solution to the problem, I have difficulty recalling how to get from point A to point B. This trend seems to carry into other areas of my life as well. Sometimes I can intuit how to make the necessary connections & other times, I'm just plain lost. I've somehow gotten used to learning this way, which I think only magnifies the struggle.

There are times when the solution remains veiled & I'm paralyzed by the all the numbers & variables. Plus this, minus that, multiply this by the opposite of the absolute value of that... it all becomes gobbledygook. In my own life, pros & cons of loss & gain get multiplied by the countless decisions to be made and somehow I still get lost, I miss a step, I neglect to follow through to the final answer. I've somehow gotten used to failing in this way as well, thus failing in the struggle.

What is this struggle exactly? The struggle is the process. Even if I have the problem & the answer at my disposal, I still need to learn how to solve it or I won't be able to move on to the next thing. One process builds on another, enabling one to solve an increasing myriad of problems as time goes on. If I am faced with the problem & offered no discernible answer, I must be willing to learn the process in order to move forward. Both scenarios require a kind of humility to acknowledge the unknown, as well as the fear associated with it. I can tell you with unflinching confidence that stubbornness in one's perceived ability & frustration at the reality of one's lack are sworn enemies of humility.

Its only when I'm able to take a deep breath & quiet myself to listen to instruction that I'm finally ready to learn. If I neglect to try, I've already lost the battle. If I berate my own weakness, I've already raised the white flag. But if I can approach the process with humility, I just might do better, if not succeed. And with that, I can finally begin to move forward.

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