I have a confession to make: it's the fear of God that keeps me here. I love my family & friends, but they can't send my soul to hell. So I don't stay because of them. Call me selfish. You would be speaking the truth. I stay because God hasn't willed me to go just yet. I'm apparently created for His glory. I'm here for a reason, I have a purpose. These words pierce me like daggers each time I'm saved from certain harm, each time I wake in the morning, each time the waves of darkness slink back from whence they came.
Some might play the "once saved, always saved" card: God will receive me because He knows the pain is too much for me. Of course He'll understand if I give up. Once His child, always His child. This sounds comforting to be sure. But why does 1 Corinthians 10:13 say "No temptation has seized you except that which is common to man"? and not only so, God "will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear"? The desire to extinguish my own life is indeed tempting. But I know countless others have felt the same way at one time or another & they have survived. Its no secret that life IS hard. Still, I am left without excuse because God has said He won't let me be tempted beyond the breaking point. So I stand at the edge of a precipice, looking out over the vast expanse between my perceived suffering & longing for rest. I know God has said He will provide a way for me to endure this. And for all the world & it's pleasures, there is no greater motivation than the fear of God that keeps me here.